an authentic heart

Okay. So the past 17 years and 3? months of my life, I’ve been chewing on one side of my mouth. I honestly thought that you could be right-jawed and left-jawed.

Apparently not.

So this past year my body has decided to rebel against my eating habits. Not music habits. Not flute playing for the past 9 years. Not whatever habits. Eating habits. And unfortunately chocolate. [I've always been somewhat allergic to chocolate and didn't like it as a kid. but now it's side effects have turned into inflammation and pain. on the right side of my mouth. because that's the side i eat on.]

At a youth group party on Saturday night one of my friends offered me a piece of Hershey’s Chocolate. Of Course I couldn’t resist. But as soon as the chocolate entered my mouth, my jaw was like “NOOOOOO.” So I tested my theory yesterday afternoon with some Hershey’s kisses. And my mother corrected my eating style. And my jaw still got inflamed. And I came to my conclusions. The end.

Not really. At all. This completely flipped my world upside-down. I have to learn how to chew with the left side of my mouth! It’s so difficult! 180 degrees of chewing circle has been opened up (top +bottom). God has flipped my views upside DOWN.

Habits are dang hard to break!

But really, I think there’s more to it than just re-learning how to eat. I feel like it could also be like worship. Like how we only worship Him in some ways and at some times. But for us to fulfill His purpose for us… we need to expand our horizons and LIVE a life of worship.

I feel like God was telling me that the way I’m going is right but changing things up would increase His glorification. And possibly reduce my pain.

But I also find this a hard message to hear. Because I don’t have strong Christian friends who love me. i’m “missing out on an opportunity.”  i’m working on loving myself more. I’m working on hoping more. i’m working on praying the ridic prayers. i’m preparing to kill lions in pits on snowy days. i’m working on hope. i’m working on casting my cares on Him. i’m working on my relationship with God. And I do love deeply. But I don’t have fellowship. And that just hurts.

Because with fellowship I can’t just start chewing on the left side of my jaw. I can’t just start building my own fires. [Well I can. But I wont get anywhere...]

And so I don’t know. This lesson sounds like exactly what I hear at youth group every Sunday. But fellowship just ain’t happening. Fellowship with the depth and quality that I want. Fellowship with the communication I want. All I’ve seen between my peers and me is broken relationship and brokenness.

And they aren’t fun. And they aren’t pretty. They are painful.

But I do know God. I want to know Him more and more.   He heals us.  And He is whole.

Trying to know Love more and more…

[key word: trying]

coop