spoon-fed
November 28, 2009 at 1:34 pm | In Daily Thoughts | Leave a CommentTags: baby food, breathing, family, healing, home, Jesus Christ, kids, living, maturity, pain, relationships, Suffering
I’m not a solely spoon fed baby… nor am I a steak eating muscle man.
In some areas I own the fork and knife business and can cut through any steak, regardless of how well-cooked it is. But in other areas… I can’t even pick up my own spoon… and I’m still being fed Gerber-baby style because I can’t handle anything but vegetable puree.
Most of the meat gnawing areas aren’t complaining. Most. Some them wish they didn’t have the molars yet. Wish they hadn’t been force-fed chunks of meat as a small child.
But all the spoon-fed areas get mocked. They don’t get put up with. They aren’t understood. They scare people away. They show the true kid in me. They show my weakness. They show that I’m everything but perfect. They show my fears. They show my need for a night-light. For my blankie. For my kid-leash.
I hate this place. Being spurred on to “maturity” but still needing to be a kid for once. Being pushed out… but never having felt in. Feeling the cold…but never having felt the warmth.
It’s the awkward medium. But it isn’t even medium… It’s painful.
And that’s where I am. That’s who I am right now. It’s a lonely place to be. It’s a lonely person to be. And I feel like it’s only going to get more uncomfortable. I am going to get completely kicked out of the house. I’m going to be living with other people… who aren’t my family… but something like (maybe better than my) family [friends maybe?]. I’m going to be more and more independent. I’m gonna be miles away.
Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll ever have the chance to really be a 100% kid. Which sucks. But God has a plan for even that part of me.
So while it’s hard to just become more and more mature and not have the whole kid opportunity, that’s what i gotta do. because God is going to make something great out of this mess.
even this mess.
even THIS mess.
wearing a bib and footie PJ’s… but only for today,
coop
DISCLAIMER: I do not use a child-leash nor endorse such a horror. In addition, I do not need a night-light when I seep and do not still have a blankie. Finally, Gerber baby food is not yummy.
more broken
November 27, 2009 at 3:34 pm | In Daily Thoughts, Lyrics To Ponder | Leave a CommentTags: broken, brokenness, Christ, God, healing, heart, Hurricane, Jesus Christ, Jimmy Needham, love, mending, more, music, relationships, Suffering
I’m incredibly broken right now. but the cry of my heart is brokenness. [weird, huh?] I want to be broken more. I want to be more Christ-like. I need Him like a hurricane. To tear my walls down.
I want to be broken. I want the thunder, wind, and rain of God to come crashing down on me. I want Him to break me and mend me. I want Him to demolish me and make beauty out of the pieces. I don’t want to have anything but Him to cling to.
And this isn’t because I’m addicted to pain or anything. In fact, I hate pain. I hate pain. Emotional, physical, and spiritual. BUT I love God. And I’m willing for Him to break me. I want Him to break me. I want to be molded by Him. I want His perfect love.
I realize the weight of this prayer. It is intense. It shouldn’t be something I’m asking for lightly. And it isn’t. I don’t want to be an agent of Coop. I want to be an agent of God. I need God to be my focus, not others or myself. I don’t want anything but Him. But I really do want Him. And I really want Him to break me so He can break me in to who He wants me to be. I want Him to give me His eyes, His heart, His ears, His love. I feel like I’m clinging on to too much. To a very negative self-image. To pain. To hope in things besides God. To ambitions. To grudges. To wounds. To bruises. To memories. To lost friends. To broken relationships.
I want to be broken and renewed. I want God to come in like a hurricane. I want to see Him more clearly. I want to be able to love Him more deeply. I want Him to fit in my heart where He belongs. In my God-shaped hole. I want to be broken and healed. I want to be freed through brokenness. I don’t want my will. I want His way.
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
Til Im Yours alone
He can see what’s going on soooooooooooooo much better. I want to be broken in accordance with the plans he has for me.
shatter me and mend me,
coop
Were hearts made whole just to break?
November 27, 2009 at 10:49 am | In Daily Thoughts, Lyrics To Ponder | Leave a CommentTags: Jesus Christ, Suffering, loneliness, God, heart, alone, pain, love, healing, hurt, relationships, separation, peace, war, hate, family, emotions
Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you’ll make it whole
You know, you pray
This can’t be the way
You cry, you say
Something’s gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Someone said “A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger”
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break?
Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again (Porcelain Heart – Barlow Girl)
It’s hard to be so broken. It hurts. A lot. And right now… I’m very broken. And alone. Not because of a boy. Not because of some stupid high school stuff. But because of deeper stuff. And so it’s hard when you can’t talk about it with friends (because you know you don’t have any true friends). And you can’t bring it up in everyday conversation for similar reasons. And it’s hard when you can’t just keep it bundled up either.
But God does listen to all my grunts, grrrrrs, and moans. and He makes sense of them. There is a middle-man for all those odd sounds that I can’t even make sense of. He knows the pains of my heart better than i do. He knows the depths of my heart. He knows me better than anyone around me can ever know me. And he loves me just the same. He promises me Life. He loves me. Regardless. In spite of me.
So it’s hard to sit in tension. It’s hard to sit in pain. It’s hard to sit in shards. But God will make beauty out of this broken thing.
and that’s what I’m thankful for… or at least trying to be thankful for.
Creator, only you take brokenness. and create it. into beauty once again.
mend my heart, please.
-coop
family – dis functional
November 26, 2009 at 8:37 pm | In Daily Thoughts | Leave a CommentTags: alone, christian living, fellowship, friendship, God, hurt, loneliness, others, relationships, Suffering, Thanksgiving
i’m not sure which is worse. what is said… or what is left unsaid. I hate conflict. But I hate unresolved, unspoken conflict even more.
It’s hard to be in the presence who you know hate you… or hate each other. It’s hard not to run away.
And frankly, that’s exactly what I did today.
I fled. With their prodding.
But if I’m fleeing from the fam, where do I belong? If I’m getting kicked out of the fam, where do I go?
We all long for fellowship. We all need fellowship with God. But when words are used only to cut others down, relationships suck. And it feels bad. Because we know how it could be.
I wish things weren’t left unsaid. I wish the words passed around in my family were words that built people up, not cut them down. I wish there was relationship. Healthy relationship. Besides blood.
And since no one provides that for me, God has to be my family. My source of love. My source of everything relational. Which is awesome… yet lonely.
God is love. I want to live in Him. I want to look at all this jank through his eyes.
thanking God for His character,
coop
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